Me: My cable Internet is extremely slow all of a sudden. Are you having a service interruption in my neighborhood?
Comcast representative: Hold on.
[Fifteen minutes pass]
Me: Um, are you still there?
Rep: Yeah. Hold on.
[Ten minutes pass]
Me: Hello? Anyone?
Rep: Yeah. Is your modem plugged in?
Rep [typing]: I'm running a scan of your system. Is the standby light blinking?
Me: There is no standby light.
Rep: Huh? What do you mean, no standby light?
Me: No. Standby. Light.
Rep: Um, well, push the button on the modem.
Me: The modem doesn't have any buttons.
Rep: No buttons? Um, hold on. [type type type] I'm showing that everything is fine with your system.
Me: Well, it was just running slow, but now I seem to have no Internet access whatsoever. Good job on that. [Bitter rage begins to swell within my heaving breast.]
Rep: Yeah, we'll have to send out a tech. I have an appointment available next Tuesday. But really, as far as I can tell, everything is fine.
[My shrieks of impotent rage fill the atmosphere.]
Me: Tuesday will be fine.