Why I've Been Gone for Two Days

Me: My cable Internet is extremely slow all of a sudden. Are you having a service interruption in my neighborhood?

Comcast representative: Hold on.

[Fifteen minutes pass]

Me: Um, are you still there?

Rep: Yeah. Hold on.

[Ten minutes pass]

Me: Hello? Anyone?

Rep: Yeah. Is your modem plugged in?

Me: Yes.

Rep [typing]: I'm running a scan of your system. Is the standby light blinking?

Me: There is no standby light.

Rep: Huh? What do you mean, no standby light?

Me: No. Standby. Light.

Rep: Um, well, push the button on the modem.

Me: The modem doesn't have any buttons.

Rep: No buttons? Um, hold on. [type type type] I'm showing that everything is fine with your system.

Me: Well, it was just running slow, but now I seem to have no Internet access whatsoever. Good job on that. [Bitter rage begins to swell within my heaving breast.]

Rep: Yeah, we'll have to send out a tech. I have an appointment available next Tuesday. But really, as far as I can tell, everything is fine.

[My shrieks of impotent rage fill the atmosphere.]

Me: Tuesday will be fine.