January 23, 2007

Punk Isn't Dead

I've been trying to post for ages, but Blogger is being a butt again. However, its' back now, and so am I, and I've got the Next Big Thing for you. Check out the Dresden Dolls. Seriously, they're fantastic. They call themselves cabaret punk, and I don't know what that means, but I love it. Get their album.

They're probably most likely to make it big due to "Girl Anachronism," which really is a catchy and fun song--how can you not love a song with the lyrics, "Please excuse her for the day, it's just the way the medication makes her?"

Then there's the syncopated, hilarious, calliope beat of "Coin-Operated Boy" and the delightfully pedophiliac "Missed Me," which starts out, "If you kiss me, Mister, I might tell my sister."

Seriously, they're fabulous. Get their album, listen to it, and be cool for the first time since you bought those black, high-topped Reeboks with the two sets of pink and white laces in eighth grade.

January 17, 2007

Solid Waste

This weekend, we bought the Princess a baby-size potty. It makes realistic flushing sounds (if you consider a singing frog realistic). She has yet to put any actual pee in the potty, but she has put the following into it:

--My car keys
--My cell phone
--Her toy phone
--57 Little People
--Nine baby crackers

Thank God we don't have a puppy--I know we'd find him wedged into the potty next to three well-chewed Little People.

January 12, 2007

Proper Documentation Is Required

The King and I have a baby book for the Princess. It's big and pink, and it was the fanciest one I could find; it cost $80. We carefully fill in every one of her firsts, from her first step to her first bath to her first swallow of food that didn't come out of my over-taxed boobs. I seriously considered putting her first pee in the potty in there, but that seems like a step too far, even for me.

Yesterday, we were discussing our potential second child, and I said, "You know, we're going to be so busy--and so much more relaxed--the second kid's baby book is never going to get filled out. The kid's going to be like ten and he's going to find his completely blank book and say, 'Hey, what's up with this? Why didn't you fill this in?'"

The King said, "Yeah, and we're going to say, 'Hey, you can talk? When did that happen? Well, if you're so smart, fill it in yourself! You remember doing all that stuff, right? Here's a pen.'"

January 11, 2007

Crappy Things I Have Done to My Daughter Today

1. Scratched her face with my engagement ring.

2. Let her fall off the changing table onto her head.

3. Dropped a bar of soap on her head while getting it off a shelf.

Seriously, if she turns out to be mildly retarded, it's totally going to be my fault.

January 10, 2007

Gag-Inducingly Sweet Mommy-Blogging Moment

When I went in my daughter's room this morning to get her out of her crib, she looked up at me and said, "Ma-ma-ma?"

It's her first word.

I clearly win the prize for best parent ever, since she said my name first, despite the fact that during her first year of life I have let her:

Eat a Raid-filled millipede,

Pull a heavy stocking holder onto her forehead (she still has a mark),

Choke on a Band-Aid,

Stay in the car while I returned a movie, and

Taste vinegar, horseradish, and pickled ginger.

January 09, 2007

Ask a Stupid Question, Get a Stupid Answer

Because I have a singleton baby and not twins or triplets or anything hideous like that, I don't get a huge number of stupid questions from people, unlike these poor folks. And for the most part, I don't mind at all when people ask about the Princess. I'm fully aware that she's bald, and I understand that it's hard to tell if she's a girl. And really, who cares? If she is dressed in blue, green, yellow, or even some pink with other colors mixed in, I couldn't care less about the nineteen people a day who will ask me, "Is he a boy?"

But if my daughter is dressed entirely in pink, from head to foot, including a pink bow glued to her bald-assed head, and you still ask me, "Is he a boy?" I'm going to give you the look I reserve for people who blast their car stereos and those who take 47 items into the express lane at the grocery store.

And then there was the teenage girl who waited on me at the shoe store last week. All cracking gum and cheap lipstick, she looked at me and my all-pink-clad baby and said:

"What is it?"

Because I am basically a polite person, I did not answer:

--"A golf cart!"
--"An alien"
--"A lifelike toy I ordered off E-Bay--Doesn't her skin look touchably soft?"

Instead I just smiled, said "She's a girl," and mentally added, "You imbecile." Then I didn't tell her when she under-charged me by $10.

January 08, 2007

When I Grow Up

Many parents make predictions about what their children are going to do as adults based on things they do as babies. I am no exception. These are my current predictions for the Princess's future:

What She DoesWhat She Will Be
Opens the toilet and sticks her hand in it. After I have used it.Sewage maintenance technician
Picks up things and smashes them together.Quarry worker, or possibly professional wrestler
Stuffs all her Little People into the Little People dollhouse and then slams the door on them and holds it shut.Warden in a women's prison
Takes all her clothes off and dances when she hears music.Well, strippers make good money, right?

New Love

I have a new favorite blog, courtesy of Finslippy: Looky, Daddy. I love it not only because Looky, Daddy is hilarious and smart, but because he is possibly the only person who had a worse Christmas trip than I did. You knw the evil of trying to travel on a plane for 21 hours with a baby? He did it with twins. And an older daughter. That would be THREE. Three children on a plane. So he gets today's award for my new favorite, and for being the person I now think of when I think, "Well, it could be worse. I could be that guy." Congratulations, Looky Daddy.

January 06, 2007

Can You Say "FDIC Insured?"

I don't get a lot of opportunities to say that I think the federal government is fabulous and is doing a great job, but they definitely made my tax dollars worthwhile today.

After being gone for two weeks, I checked my bank balance today and found it $4,000 short. Hmm. I know we spent a lot on Christmas, but that seemed a bit extreme. Plus, all the charges were in New York, and sadly, I haven't had a chance to visit Manhatten in two years.

Turns out that someone got a copy of the King's debit card and had a lovely time at our expense. They spent about $2,000 at Duane Reade, which appears to be a cheap, tacky, New York-area pharmacy. Maybe they have a lot of medical expenses; who knows? Then, when the card worked so well for that, they made several trips to Target for Christmas gifts, and finished up with $1,100 in purchases at Best Buy. I'm thinking someone got themselves a nice, new computer for Christmas.

Luckily, the money is all insured and will be back in our account by Wednesday. Thank you, Uncle Sam! For once, you did something right.

And to whoever thought it was cool to steal from people at Christmas: Karma is going to kick your ass, jackhole.

January 05, 2007

I'm Back

To cap off our "vacation," our final flight home was delayed for three and a half hours, and when we finally arrived in Hawaii, we found that our stroller had been smushed into small pieces by Delta Airlines. Nice.

But now we're home, throwing out dead poinsettas (who gives someone with a baby a toxic plant for Christmas?), unpacking the Princess's ten thousand new toys, dusting off the old toys that she screamed bloody murder about when we tried to retire them, and doing nine loads of laundry.

I need to drum up some work to ensure that we can pay for the many dentist appointments I have scheduled (I need FOUR crowns. Four.), so I'm off to shill myself to the publishing companies who occasionally give me some work. Happy New Year, y'all!