November 21, 2006

When I Grow Up, I Want to Be a Writer

So, I haven't been posting much lately not just because I'm a huge lazy slacker whore, but because I've been working on a new project: a book!

That's right, I'm writing a book. The manuscript is finished; I'm just editing it now. I already have a literary agent (Faye Swetky, she rules), but I don't have a publisher. Hopefully someday. It's a book about parenting kids from birth to one year of age--it's for new parents who, like me, got all their pre-baby parenting experience from "babysitting" as teenagers (that is, sticking the kids in bed early so you can sneak shots from your customers' liquor and riffle through their bathroom cabinets).

Yes, I didn't think the eight million parenting books already out there were enough, so I'm creating a new one. Wish me luck.

November 20, 2006

Party at Foodland

So I was at the grocery store Friday night, picking up some beer and bratwurst for our dinner, and they had one of those little sample tables set up. I wasn't at Costco or Sam's Club, so I was surprised to see it. The girl at the table held up a little cup with about half an ounce of bright pink liquid in it. "Want to try?" she chirped? "Sure!" I said, not being one to turn down free random liquid.

I tossed it down--and it burned like cough syrup on fire. "Is that LIQUOR?" I asked. "Yep! It's a new cognac! Want to try Blue Flame?" she asked, holding up another little half-shot. "Hell yeah I do!"

That's right--they were giving away liquor, for free, at the grocery store. This frat-boy type got on his cell phone and was going, "Dude, seriously, you have got to get down to here! They're giving away free shots!" I don't think the sample girl was even old enough to drink herself, and she certainly wasn't checking IDs or keeping an eye on how many samples people took (I only had two, mostly because they tasted like crap). It was awesome, except for the whole 'drunk driving home from Foodland' thing.

November 19, 2006

Welcome to the Jungle

Last night, I was sauteing some chicken on the stove for dinner. Just as I tossed in a handful of minced onions and celery, a baby gecko FELL OFF THE CEILING AND INTO THE PAN.

Poor baby gecko. I rescued him from a steamy death by arroz con pollo and deposited him outside on our lawn. Having a gecko fall into one's dinner probably seems odd to those of you who don't live in Hawaii, but for us, it's pretty normal. It's just life in a tropical rainforest. Geckos and all.

November 08, 2006

Should Have Voted Absentee

I registered to vote here in Hawaii when we moved here, but now that the Dems need every vote they can get in Virginia, I wish I had registered absentee there so I could have helped them out. But my sorrow over that is definitely mitigate by the fact that RUMSFELD IS OUT!

That said, although I'm thrilled that the Democrats are back in power, I hate it that this just means that a different half of the country is going to be miserable for the next few years. But I'm glad it's the other half for once.

Rumsfeld Gets the Ax!!!

Whoo hoo!!! Perhaps the administration of evil is finally realizing that their reign of terror is coming to an end...

November 06, 2006

Cough Cough Sniff Sniff

I haven't been posting because the Princess has an evil, evil cold. She has been a sneezing, sobbing, coughing, sniffling, miserable wretch of a baby for a week. And because she coughs and screams all night long, the King and I have been pretty miserable wretches ourselves.

So our pediatrician* recommended a nasal spray to help clear her nose and let her get some rest (and by her, I mean us). Have you ever tried to spray medicine up a baby's nose? It's really, really fun! Here are some easy steps to get you in practice:

Step 1. You will need to acquire a small, live octopus. I recommend trying the local aquarium.

Step 2. Dip the octopus in vegetable oil to make it extra slippery.

Step 3. Use one hand to pin all of the octopus's tentacles down at once. Do not let any escape.

Step 4. Hold the nasal spray in your other hand. With your leg and possibly a small stick, pin the octopus's head down and do not allow it to move at all.

Step 5. Squirt spray up both the octopus's nostrils.

For added realism, put on headphones and blast a tape of screaming, shrieking baby into your ears at top volume. Now you're ready for a baby head cold!

* Ha. "Our pediatrician." By which I mean, whoever the pediatrics clinic has randomly wandering the halls that day. Pediatricians, nurses, janitors, odontologists. You know, whoever.