March 19, 2007

Turn Left at the Polaris Missile

I was running an errand on Pearl Harbor last week, and I didn't know where the office I needed to visit was, so I called the King at work and asked him. Only in the military can you get directions like these:

"Come up Kamehameha Highway and turn in at the main gate. Stop at the gate so the armed guard can check your papers and search the car. Then go through the gate and turn right. About two blocks up, make a left at the thirty-foot-tall Polaris missile on the side of the road. Then drive until you see the three-story building with no windows, ten satellite dishes on top, and barbed wire all around it. Turn right after that building into the parking lot, go up to the third deck, and show the staff sergeant your ID. Don't worry, she's really nice."

March 15, 2007

Open Letter to an Animal Abuser

To the person who abandoned this dog on my street yesterday:

You are a miserable excuse for a human being. I can't think of awful-enough things to call you. Because there is a forest at the top of my hill where people go to shoot wild pigs, I suspect you are a hunter. When your dog didn't hunt well enough, you simply left him up there to starve to death.

You sick bastard. This photo really does not show the horrific extent of your dog's absolute emaciation. I've seen starved dogs before on Animal Cops and been pissed off, but seeing it in real life is a hundred times worse and absolutely sickening.

He is clearly someone's dog, not a stray. When I found him staggering down the street, I ran and grabbed our old dog's leash. Your dog clearly has been walked on a leash before and seems to understand a few commands. And despite his agony, he was sweet and good-natured. The Princess was almost falling out of her stroller to play with him, and he gamely wagged his tail and smiled at her and tried to lick her hand, although he was barely able to stand up.

Too bad I couldn't let her play with him, because not only did you let him starve, but he has a massive infestation of fleas and mange, and he was bleeding freely from several places on his body, where he scratched all his skin off to escape the agony.

I thought he would probably die last night, even though we fed him about ten pounds of food. But he managed to get through another night, so your dog is probably going to be euthanized today after the Humane Society comes to get him. I wish we could keep him, but we just don't have room. At least his death will be quick and painless, unlike the slow horror you sentenced him to.

I suspect you haven't missed many meals, you scumbag. I wish I could lock you up in a closet for a week or two with no food so you would have a tiny inkling of what this sweet, friendly animal has been going through.

Most sincerely,

March 09, 2007

I Do Have a Life Outside of Mommyhood

I got a new publishing client this week, a journal of drug research. To that end, I spent the week editing two articles for them. The first was on how giving the chicken-pox vaccine to 70-year-old men can help keep them from spreading herpes to their presumably 70-year-old sex partners.

The second was on a women who got a horrific, life-threatening infection from a vaginal cream.

Do I know how to party, or what?

March 01, 2007

I Feel Like I'm in a Japanese Game Show

The Princess hates vegetables. Vegetables are good for her. Therefore, I spend at least an hour a day begging someone who speaks no English to eat a freaking carrot.