The Waiting Game

Five years ago, two beautiful, thin, tanned, fabulously wealthy people met in the Southern California sun and fell in love by the sounds of the Pacific waves crashing on the shore.
Okay, not true, but close. DH, AKA the King, and I are not exceptionally gorgeous or fabulously wealthy (although he is pretty tan and thin, and rockingly funny), but we did meet near the beach in California and fall in love. A bit later, we got married and moved to Washington, DC. Another bit later, we decided to have children.

Full stop. Our story basically ends there, a year ago, with our overjoyed expressions as I blithely tossed my birth control pills in the trash and awaited our positive pregnancy test. Which never arrived. And neither did my ovulation. Or my period. For a YEAR. That's right, I'm one of approximately 3% of women whose bodies never start cycling again after going off the Pill. Yay me. And I thought going to France alone when I was eleven made me special enough. After several months of feeling so flat from lack of hormones that I thought I'd been lobotomized, I went to the doctor, who put me on Provera, which obligingly brought on a fake period. When nothing further happened, he referred me to an RE, Dr. Stupid-Bitch.

Dr. SB's nurse told us to get all three zillion tests done that infertility patients get done, including a semen analysis for the King. After we had them performed, we went back to her to find out the results and get going on treatment. We sat in her office as she tried to figure out how to use her computer mouse to pull up our chart. Failing that, she tried pushing random buttons on the keyboard.

SB: Sorry, it's just not coming up. I'm not sure why not. I don't really know how to use this system. Well, I'm sure everything's fine.
Us: [mouths hanging open]
SB: Oh wait, here's the results of your semen analysis. Yeah, your morphology is crappy. Really bad. You shouldn't bother trying to conceive at all, you should just do IVF.
Me: [crying]
DH: Uh, what?
Me: What do you mean? We came here to find out why I haven't had a period in nine months! What are you talking about?
SB: Really? You didn't come here for the sperm thing? Oh. Yeah, I don't know anything about that. You should just do IVF.
Me: What about Clomid? The King has 10 million perfectly fine sperm, even after you take out the gimpy ones--shouldn't we try to make me ovulate at least one cycle before we give you $10,000?
SB: Well, I don't really see the point. But if you really won't write me a check right here and now, I suppose I could let you try Clomid first. But only for two months--after that you need to come back and do IVF.

So we left Dr. Stupid-Bitch with her stupid computer and went home, furiously clutching a Clomid prescription. That was months ago, but because the King travels for work, we haven't been able to use it yet. We've just been waiting, waiting, waiting.