Gnashing My Teeth and Calling for Blood

We're doing the Provera thing again. For you folks with normal endocrine systems out there, Provera is a drug that brings on a period, if you're a freak like me who never has them. Unlike most women, I cheer when I need a tampon. Then again, that only happens about every three years, it seems, so it's a worth cheering about.

Anyway, we've decided we're definitely going to do Clomid this month (unless the King gets shipped out again; see below), so I'm taking Provera, and even though I have five days left to go of it, I'm anxiously running to the bathroom every ten minutes to check for that telltale sign of pinkness.

However, I have to be very careful at night. This is because of our bedsheets. No ordinary sheets, these are special, pure white, 1,000-thread-count sheets that I bought for the King for our anniversary. Therefore, when there's any little chance I might start my period, I'm very careful not to have any drippage on them at night. Very careful.

And yet a few days ago, I woke up to find a dark red stain in my bed...on my pillow. That's right, because I'm a freak who cannot manage the normal vaginal bleeding like every other woman, I somehow managed to scratch my nose in the middle of the night, slice it open with a wayward fingernail, and bleed all over my PURE WHITE, 1,000-THREAD-COUNT, BRAND-NEW BEDSHEETS. Why can't I do anything right?