September 15, 2004

The Frog-Eating Freak

So we have this dog. His name is Orion, because he has three tiny dots on his nose that look like the stars in Orion's belt. He's a red tick hound, which isn't a real breed according to those AKC facists, but is just a blue tick hound with red spots instead of black ones. Whatever. He comes up to about mid-thigh on me, with skinny legs that look too long to hold him up. When he was a puppy, he had these enormously long, skinny legs that were so teetery they could hardly hold up his big puppy head--he looked like a baby deer.

He is, without a doubt, the dumbest dog in history. The King, who has owned many dogs throughout his life, has assured me that no dog, even the one that ate Play-Doh and pooped red, blue, and yellow, is dumber than our dog. Orion once ate a beer can that we accidentally left in the backyard with him. We came home to find millions of teeny, tiny shards of aluminium all over the yard. I was afraid he had sliced up his mouth, but he seemed thrilled with the tiny, shiny new toys.

He also eats frogs, we think (see previous post). They make his breath smell like a week-old corpse in summertime. Happily, he also eats the breath mints we now give him.

Orion is afraid of everything, particularly noises. Not loud noises, necessarily, just noises in general. In fact, he scares himself quite frequently. Once he was wagging his long tail at me, and it slapped the wall and made a loud thump. He jumped about a foot straight up in the air, and dashed away, and refused to come back in the room for hours. When we got our new big television last week, he refused to go into the living room for two days because the big, scary tv box was in there and it might eat him.

He knows no tricks. Finally, after nearly a year, he learned to sit. However, he thinks he is a cat and will only sit when he feels like it. If he's not in the mood to come when you call him, he'll turn his head away and pretend he didn't hear you. Dumbest dog ever, and yet he understands selective hearing. Perhaps he learned that from me.

Orion is also a submissive dog--there is not an alpha bone in his body. We used to foster dachshunds for a rescue group. Dachshunds are weiner dogs: They are about eight inches tall and weigh a max of about 15 pounds. Orion is three times that height and weighs 50 pounds. The dachshunds would regularly beat the crap out of him, and he would happily roll over and show them his belly so they would know that they were the boss of him and could eat his food, play with his toys, and sleep in his crate if they felt like it. One, an un-fixed male, frequently tried to mount Orion. Given the size difference, I didn't try to stop him--I only wish I had gotten that shit on videotape. Orion, being fixed, doesn't quite get mounting, although he tries it on other dogs. Most times he ends up somehow lying on top of the other dog, trying to mount its side.

Our neighbors recently acquired a beautiful golden retriever puppy. It is two months old, and yet within a week of coming home knew ten commands and will babysit their two-year-old. Our dog can't remember where he left his toys if they are out of sight for more than two minutes. And he's still afraid of the new tv.

The dumbest dog in the world, I affirm. And yet I love him--how could you not?
As an aside, please, please don't buy dogs from breeders or pet stores. There are so many that need homes, and if you want a specific breed, there are lots of rescue groups that specialize in certain breeds. Just do a Google search and you'll find lots. And get your pets fixed!


Kitten said...

Can I be #5?

I read your blog everyday! I enjoy it immensely and it usally gives me a good laugh at the end of the day. Loved your story about Orion. I too have a WICKED stupid dog...I can relate. As a rule I find cats to be so much more intelligent. You never catch THEM eating out of the litter box! Take care!


Kitten said...

I dont know if you got the previos post..but I read your blog everyday. I love count me #5!

You make me laugh..and sometimes cry. I have been thru the infertility thing..and I TOO have a STUPID dog! I have to agree with you wholeheartedly on theat a rule I find cats to be so much more intelligent. You would never catch a cat eating out of the litter box!