Two days ago, an alien landed in our living room. It weighs 250 pounds and is five feet tall, four feet wide, and silver, with one enormous eye. The eye is square and 57 inches on the diagonal. The alien is my husband's new mistress, a big-screen, digital, high-definition television.
It cost more than we put down on our house. I was barely, barely able to resist asking the poor Circuit City salesman if it would give the King blowjobs when I was too tired. We acquired the enormous tv after nearly two years of debating whether we definitely were (the King) or absolutely never, ever, were not (me) going to get such a monstrosity. He wore me down.
The King loves the television. He nearly assaulted a delivery man who tried to hook it up incorrectly. He spent several hours showing me all the things it could do. And that led us to the porn.
Oh, the porn. I should note that the King likes porn a lot, and given that we spend nine months of every year in different countries because he's in the military, that's okay with me. I admit to surfing the underworld of the Internet myself fairly often, but unlike the King, I don't buy the videos. He does.
Which brings me to the tv's greatest talent, at least according to my husband. You see, the tv has picture-in-picture, where you can watch one channel on the screen while a little box in the corner displays another channel. It also has split-screen, where the screen is split evenly in half, and you can watch two channels equally. Given the size of the thing, this is basically like watching two normal-size tvs.
What I inadvertently discovered is that you can watch videos on split screen. That is, you could watch a DVD on one half and a VHS on the other. And if you are my husband, that means you can watch TWO PORNOS AT THE SAME TIME. Oh, the glory. And the best part is, because the tv is so fucking huge, the penises (penii?) and vaginas and artificially enhanced breasts are life-size. It's like a car wreck--I don't want to see it, but I can't look away. You wouldn't be able to either, if you saw it. It's a good mistress for my husband--it lets him do all sorts of kinky things in every imaginable position. In surround sound. Oh, the porn.
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