Last night, I watched Van Helsing. I expected it to be a vampire action/adventure movie, as promised on the box. Instead, I discovered the most hilarious Dracula movie ever committed to film. In in the opening scene, we find Dracula in 1887. He is wearing his long hair pulled back with a rather fetching banana clip, circa 1987, and he has two girlish tendrils framing his face. It looks rather like the style I wore my hair in for my junior prom. In the next scene, we are taken to Notre Dame. Rather than the expected hunchback, however, we find Mr. Hyde hiding in the cathedral. He fights Van Helsing, but is defeated when one of the bells tolls. Apparently, ringing bells are his weakness, the only thing that can hurt him. So I wonder, why the fuck is he hiding in a BELL TOWER?
Skip ahead. Van Helsing meets the lovely Princess Anna (Kate Beckinsale). Anna is supposed to be living in the 1880s, but she has the carefully plucked eyebrows and over-collagened lips of any porn star. Go Anna. At this point, I actually checked the box the video came in to make sure it wasn't listed as a comedy. Nope, action/adventure, that's what it said. So I continued watching, thoroughly enjoying myself and laughing hysterically.
Until I got to the plot climax. Van Helsing and Anna discover the Count's true goal, the secret he's been hiding--Dracula's wives keep giving birth to dead babies (seeing as they themselves are dead, that makes sense), and he's trying to develop a way to bring them to life.
That's right. Dracula is infertile. Perhaps he could be our mascot.