December 06, 2004

Doctor Hate

Akeeyu's volcanic death puppies (otherwise known as her anxiety about doctors not knowing what the fuck they're doing and not believing their patients when they tell the doctors there is something wrong) reminded me of a couple of conversations I had with a new doctor a few years ago.

Me (sniffling, coughing, sneezing, hacking up fluid in my lungs): Doctor, I have bronchitis.

[Application of freezing stethoscope to chest for a bare moment while doctor checks his watch in boredom, apparently anxious to get to the club for a round of golf and quickie with his mistress.]

Doctor: No you don't, you have allergies.

Me: Um, actually I have recurrent bronchitis. I get it about twice a year, just after I get a cold. I just moved here so you haven't seen me before, but it's quite normal for me. I just need some amoxycillin...

[WARNING! WARNING! Arrogant patient trying to act like they're the doctor, using fancy medical terms and such. Abort! Abort!]

Doctor: No you don't! That's just bad medicine, prescribing antibiotics willy nilly!

Me: I agree, the overprescription of antibiotics is the reason for the evolution of drug-resistant viruses, but...

Doctor: You have allergies. Here, take these sample medications some drug company sent me in the mail. You'll be fine.

[Patient chucked ignobly out of office.]
Ten days later...

Me (wheezing, barely able to breathe, turning blue): Doctor, I saw you ten days ago and told you I had bronchitis. You gave me some crappy sample drugs instead of an antibiotic. Now I have pneumonia.

Doctor (outraged): You certainly don't! You have allergies! Let's do a blood test and find out.

[Fingers painfully pricked a dozen times with needles, due to anemia and poor circulation.]

Doctor (returning to exam room with test results, staring at results in a fury): You have pneumonia! Why didn't you come in sooner?

Me: I hate you.


LilySea said...

Oh man! Me too. Same medical problem (well, PLUS allergies), same reaction from new doctors. I find a nice Z-pack wipes it out before the pnuemonia can settle down...

akeeyu said...

Ha! I get that crap all the time.

It's funny, when I was growing up, they would say "You know, you have asthma and allergies. You're just going to get a secondary infection from this cold that you have. Here, take these antibiotics," and I would be fine.

Now, thanks to years of research and advances in medicine, every time I get a cold, they refuse to give me antibiotics and I end up with a secondary infection. Every. single. time.

I love modern medicine.