Telephone Hate

Bank One Representative 1: Hello, thank you for calling Bank One. How may I help you?

Me: Hi, I just got a letter from you guys about my credit card, saying you're merging with some other company. But I don't have a credit card with you, and I wanted to make sure this is some sort of mistake.

BOR 1: Oh, yes ma'am, let me check. Can I have your credit card number?

Me: I don't have one. I don't have an credit card.

BOR 1: Oh, yes. Can I have your name?

Me: Queenie.

BOR 1: Oh yes, you have an account with us.

Me: I want to close it.

BOR 1: I'll have to transfer you, hold please.

[click, click, buzz]

BOR 2: Hello, thank you for calling Bank One. How may I help you?

Me: You mistakenly opened a credit card for me and I want to close it.

BOR 2: I'll have to transfer you, hold please.

[click, click, buzz]

BOR 3: Hello, thank you for calling Bank One. How may I help you?

Me: By not transferring me to anyone else. You guys opened a credit card for me by mistake and I want to close it.

BOR 3: Oh, I'm so sorry ma'am! I can help you with that. What's your account number?

Me: I don't have one. I don't have an account.

BOR 3: Oh, yes. Can I have your name?

Me: Queenie.

BOR 3: Oh yes, you have an account with us. You have $10,000 worth of credit!

[Momentary lapse while I consider buying a horse. No, wait, stand firm.]

Me: I never opened the account, it was a mistake, and I want to close it.

BOR 3: Certainly, ma'am. First, let me tell you about our new package of personal loans...

Me: No, I just want to close the account.

BOR 3: I see that the account has been open for four years, and has a zero balance. That means we've
been keeping it safe and sound for you all that time!

Me: I don't care. I don't even have your credit card, it's a mistake and I just want it closed.

BOR 3: I'd be happy to send you a replacement card ma'am...

Me: You can't replace something I never had.

BOR 3: ...and we can even lower your interest rate to 6.5%!

Me: NO! Close it! Close it!

BOR 3: Certainly ma'am. [click click] I'm closing your account now. Be sure to destroy your credit card.

Me: I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CREDIT CARD! IT WAS A MISTAKE!

BOR 3: Thank you very much, ma'am. Have a nice day!