December 06, 2006


Some women complain about being objectified by men. "He always stares at my tits!" they cry. "I have eyes, you know!" (Myself, I was always rather fond of objectification. It makes for better sex, in my opinion.) But these women don't know a thing about being objectified--just wait until you breastfeed.

A breastfed baby doesn't give a crap about any part of you except the bits where the milk comes out. This is a snippet from a breastfed baby's thoughts:

"Tits tits tits tits tits Up, Mommy! Tits tits tits Cracker! Tits tits Again! Again! Tits tits tits tits tits Ooh, a bug!"

And babies aren't sexist. They objectify their dads just as much, only it's generally the arms they want, not the boobs. For instance:

"Up, Daddy! Hold me rock me walk me hold me bounce me Again! Again! AGAIN! Up! Hold me rock me walk me hold me bounce me Again!"

I'm fairly certain babies don't get over this kind of objectification until they're old enough to start asking for money, and then all they want is your wallet.

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