March 01, 2005

Brush Your Teeth at Home, Crazy Lady

There's a crazy woman at my office. She's the CEO's secretary, so she thinks she's God. That's not what makes her crazy, though--all "executive assistants" to CEOs think they're God. No, it's her bathroom behavior that makes her certifiable. Let's call her Mary Smith.*

On my first day on the job, I walked in the bathroom. She was standing at the counter, staring at herself in the mirror. As I walked into the toilet stall, she said, brightly and loudly, "My makeup is from Revlon!" I had no idea what to say, so I just smiled freakishly brightly and quickly shut the door on her.

She also stores a box of those things that are sort of like baby wipes but are really for cleaning your ass off on the back of one of the toilets. It stays there all the time, and she has used a big, black marker to write on it, "Belongs to Mary Smith! DO NOT TOUCH!" As if we'd want to fondle her ass wipes. Freako.

On another day and another trip to the bathroom, she trilled at me, "I just love blueberry pie, don't you?" This while I'm peeing and she is putting on eyeshadow, with nary a pie in sight.

She also spends approximately thirty minutes in the bathroom after lunch each day. She brushes her teeth for ten minutes, then flosses, then uses a mouthwash. She's not a dentist and isn't married to a dentist, so she's just very, very concerned with dental hygiene--much more than most people. Forgive me for thinking that's just kind of weird.

A coworker made the greatest comment about her: "Mary Smith marches to the beat of the drummer in her head."

* Names changed to protect the crazy.


chris said...

Maybe she makes out with the boss after lunch and that's why she's so fastidious. I mean with the teeth brushing, not the whipes. Cringe.

Kath said...

Yeah...its getting the taste of spoof out of her mouth and the ass wipes are just a cover for when she has to wipe spoof of her dress etc.