Statements I Have Made This Week

--Please do not pee on me again.

--Oh for the love of God, please stop screaming. I'm not hurting you that much.

--Have you taken a bath this week?

--Honey, don't be afraid of the big blue whale. The big blue whale is your friend. Please stop crying--he likes you.

--If you spray me with that WaterPik again, I'm going shove it up your ass. And then you really won't want to brush with it.

--Why is your head that color?

--Honey, just wait a minute. Mama has to poop.

--How much poop can she have on her shirt before we have to change it?

--Sweet potatoes are good, sweetie! You love sweet potatoes. Mmm. [sniff sniff] My God, these smell like ass.

--If you don't put your thumb back in your mouth, I'm going to put it in there for you.

--Are you sure you can't give babies Listerine?

--Look, I got five really ugly picture frames for only $10! They were on sale!