Moving Day

Au revoir, Virginia! We're off on our whirlwind tour, but first I need to bid farewell to the Commonwealth of Virginia...

--Goodbye state-owned liquor stores that won't sell you a damned shot of vodka after 9 pm or on Sundays.

--Goodbye tourists asking where the Washington Monument is, even though the thing is 900 feet tall and visible from 50 miles away.

--Goodbye assholes who say loudly into their cell phones, "And the congressman was just telling me..." Congressmen are a dime a dozen around here, asshead. I ran three down with my car this morning.

--Goodbye drivers with diplomatic plates who don't know the rules of the road and wouldn't follow them if they did.

--Goodbye crazy fundamentalists who take up two seats reading full-size Bibles on the metro.

--Goodbye crack whore who asks me to buy her cigarettes every morning and has no underwear.

--Goodbye crazy boss who insists that I capitalize "State" in sentences, even though it's totally wrong, "for political reasons."

--Goodbye eager-eyed interns who come here all self-important and whose goals are to network their little hearts out, get laid by other interns after getting shitfaced at the Dubliner after work, and get elected president in 2028.

--Goodbye humidity so thick you need to take a shower after going outside to get the newspaper.

Goodbye, Virginia! You've been fun, except for the shitty rent, shitty weather, and shitty traffic. Next stop, North Carolina!!