June 22, 2007

This Was Supposed to Be a Really Funny Story About a Naked, Demented, Old Guy, But Then He Died

I started volunteering at a local hospital as a nurses assistant on the Medical/Surgical ward. I want to be an RN and thought this would be a good experience. All I did the first day was paperwork, which sucked. But yesterday, I got to do real patient care! The nurse manager asked me to sit in the hallway in front of the doorway of a patient who likes to climb out of his bed, even though he's partially paralyzed and get help if he tried to get out of bed. They call it "sitting," because, well, that's what you do.

Naturally, about three seconds after the nurse left me alone, the guy, an 85-year-old man, started yelling and trying to pull himself up. I grabbed the nearest nurse and got her to calm him down. She did, and left. Then the guy sat up and saw me in the hallway. He yelled, "Come in here, hey, come here!" I didn't want to, but I felt weird just ignoring him. So in I go.

As I get to his bedside, he flings back the sheet, revealing his completely buck-ass naked 85-year-old self, and yells loud enough for the whole ward to hear, "Hey baby! Jump on, you're hot!"

Yeah. So that's how I got this really funny story for my blog about how a naked, demented, old guy wants to have sex with me.

Except that after I sat back down at my post, the guy calmed down. I thought he fell asleep, until a few minutes later when a nurse when to check on him. She shook him once, did a double-take, shook him again, then looked up at me and shouted, "CODE BLUE!"

It was just like ER. Two dozen nurses suddenly appeared, running into his room with carts and needles and stands. One of them jumped on his bed and I watched them pound on his chest over and over while another pushed about a gallon of something (atropine, I think, but I don't really know) into his IV port. They pumped and pumped away at him for almost an hour. It was insane. The half-dozen nursing students who were on the ward all took turns giving him CPR, which they were clearly terrified about. But it didn't work.

At 1:22 pm, he died. The head nurse asked, "Who do we notify?" The RN checked the chart and said quietly, "No one. He doesn't have any friends or family. We just call the coroner."

Sorry, Mr. Ethan. I'm sorry you died alone. I'm sorry the last words you ever spoke were embarrassing and dirty. I'm sorry I saw you take your last breath and didn't even know it. Maybe if I had known and told someone a few minutes earlier, they would have brought you back. I'm sorry you don't have any family. I'm just really, really sorry.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

In a vain attempt to try and help you feel better about this ...

You know how people joke about having a heart attack while doing the deed? Maybe it was kinda like that for him? Maybe you got him all hot and bothered and he really went happy? I hope so. Sorry.

-A

Luther said...

What a pitifully sad tale, and I agree with your words of sympathy for the guy. However, I can imagine a lot worse things to have on my tombstone than, "Here lies Brian. His last words were embarrassing and dirty."

Rand said...

I could insert SO many jokes about you having a hot body or you having a thing for older men here, but I wont because I don't have to. Do you get a nurse's uniform? >:)

Queenie said...

Sadly, I don't get to wear scrubs or anything fun. I have a truly heinous sort of a smock shirt that has teal hospital logos all over it. I believe it's made of burlap or some similiarly soft, lovely fabric. I wear it with unflattering but comfortable kahkis and running shoes. But it could be even worse--most of the nurses wear Crocs, and if there was ever an uglier shoe than a Croc, I have never seen it.

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